Olympic opening ceremony to include Scottish heroin addict climbing out of toilet

author avatar by 12 years ago

After Olympic opening ceremony director Danny Boyle enlisted dance music duo Underworld to help launch the 2012 event, the world began preparing itself for a giant mechanical heroin addict climbing out of a 100-foot high dirty toilet.

Boyle and Underworld have been reunited after Olympic organisers agreed that nothing really captured life in the UK quite like one of their early collaborations, 1996 film Trainspotting.

A London 2012 spokesperson said, “What we have created here is the ‘dream team’, a group of people capable of creating the imagery and music that really defines what it means to be British in the modern age.”

“We haven’t seen too much from Danny yet, but he did ask for £100k for a bus-sized animatronic dog shit and wanted to know the decibel limit for badly orchestrated drum and bass played from the open window of a Vauxhall Nova.”

“What could be more British than that?”

Olympic Opening ceremony

More than 100,000 people have auditioned to take part on the opening ceremony, but director Boyle insists he has yet to find the perfect blend of apathy and disdain that is considered so quintessentially British.

“It’s a challenge to find the right person, certainly.” said Boyle

“This is an opportunity to show the world what the UK is all about, and I see this as being as much about education as it is promotion of the Olympics.”

“If only Renton was a real person we’d already be in rehearsals.”