Monday 28 November 2011 by Spacey and Gary Stanton

ScreenThump – Your handy television guide to the week ahead

We take a look at the week ahead on a television screen near you and provide you with a guide to the best shows that is so simple even Theresa May will know what’s going on.

Below is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to this week’s best television shows.


20:00 Friday – Reluctant Amputee Choir

Gareth Malone boundless enthusiasm for ‘choir as therapy’ is lost on a group of servicemen traumatized by events in Helmand province. The choir’s performance of Verdi’s Requiem gets off to an impressive start until Corporal Johnson goes off-message, rips Malone’s head off and shits down his neck.

BBC 1 [shouting/singing]

18:00 Saturday – Racist Bake-Off

A less than welcome return for the far right cookery show. Jake from Leamington Spa dedicates his Croquembouche to Rudolf Hess and Lucinda blames Jewish bankers for the collapse of her soufflé.

Special guest Nick Griffin also knocks up some delicious treats using some of the numerous foodstuffs that are thrown at him every time he steps outside his house.

On his menu today is Extreme Right Wings in a Klaus Barbecue sauce served with Potato Waffens and Egg Fried Reich

Channel 4 [big white hats and hoods]

23:00 Saturday – Police , Camera, Inaction

A look at the horrific crimes committed by people in a persistent vegetative state, featuring the inspirational story of Frenchman Claude Rocheau who, despite his incapacity, masterminded a huge international drug gang using subtle movements of his eyelid.

Rocheau’s career was brought to an abrupt halt when a cleaner drew the blinds in his room.

Sky One [frequent inappropriate voice-overs]

21:00 Sunday – Celebrity Fish Tank with Neil Tenant

The Pet Shop Boys frontman indulges his love for tropical fish by visiting the private aquariums of the rich and famous.

Neil discusses the merits of UV lighting with Brian May and Robbie Savage shows off his vast collection of Angel Fish.


20:00 Wednesday – Animal Euthanasia with Michaela Strachan

A look at the harrowing stories of people forced to end their pets’ lives as a result of the adverse economic circumstances.

Tonight, Amber a prize thoroughbred mare from High Wycombe bids a poignant farewell and Prince the Golden Retriever is given a bedtime story followed by a fatal cocktail of Temazapam and Winalot Mixer.

ITV 3 [animals and stuff]

21:00 Thursday – Eric Pickles

The rotund communities secretary attempts to preserve a variety of foods for later consumption.

Today’s instalment sees Eric trying to pickle a Black Forest Gateau and a family bucket from KFC.

BBC Parliment [frequent gluttony]

21:00 Friday – Foetal Apprentice

Lord Sugar tests the business acumen of a bunch of foetuses at various stages of development ,all of whom are competing for a £250,000 stake in their own start up company. Tempers fray when Sebastian tries to pitch on Tyler’s placenta and Lord Alan goes ape-shit when Nikki enters the boardroom without her umbilical cord.

BBC One [A bit messy]

19:30 Tuesday – Down on Abbey

Former acquaintances of model cum IT-girl Abbey Titmuss share their recollections of what it’s like to perform oral sex on her.

This week, John Leslie recalls a raunchy cocaine binge in a 4 star hotel and Andy Peters get the bit between his teeth.

BBC Three [Yes, THAT John Leslie]

21:00 Thursday – I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Her

G list has-beens from the Madchester music scene spend two weeks performing a variety of challenges while permanently encamped inside Katie Price’s vagina.

Includes an interview with last year’s winner Christine Hamilton and the bit where Bez threatened to walk off the show because of the humidity.

ITV 1 [3D, unfortunately]

18:00 Saturday – XY Factor

Those in the public eye are given the chance to share the secrets of their DNA with the nation.

Tonight’s programme unlocks the double helix of out-of-work former Bread actor, Jonathon Morris, as genetic scientists inform him he has an eighteen percent chance of developing early onset dementia.

ITV 1 [former celebrities crying]

23:45 Sunday – Extremist Sports

In this week’s thrill-filled episode Muslim fundamentalist adrenalin junkies, the Totally Radical Clerics, repeat their call for a Holy War on the West while base jumping from some of London’s most famous Landmarks.

Sky Sports 2 [Only 15 mins, but you won’t need more than that]

21:00 Sunday – Straight Eye For The Queer Guy

This week Dave and Kev help 26 year old Justin from Canterbury buy a whole new wardrobe by fucking off down the pub and leaving him to it.

Sky Living [brief, and to the point]

20:00 Tuesday – The Aisle of Man

Hugely informative advice show for men, in which Dave and Kev provide details of all the latest multi-buy lager deals currently on offer in the supermarkets.

Sky Living [informative]

21:00 Thursday – A History of Weather

Phil Tufnell takes a look back through the weather forecast archives.

In tonight’s show he uncovers a forecast from August 1985 that predicted grey skies over much of the country with the possibility of scattered showers in the Midlands.

BBC Two [Tuffers]

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