The government has today said the easiest way to improve mortality statistics for serious illnesses is to ensure people only suffer life-threatening incidents between 9 and 5:30 on weekdays.
After research showed that going into hospital over the weekend is risky, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley immediately began a publicity campaign highlighting the benefits of midweek cardiac episodes.
He told reporters, “Research has shown that heart attacks should be enjoyed mid-morning on a Wednesday for the highest survival rate, so I would strongly urge those with heart problems to consider that when planning their next incident.”
“Ask not what the NHS can do for you, but what you can do for the NHS.”
“Those people who insist on suffering serious illness at the weekend are nothing more than a drain on our society, like the unemployed and benefit cheats.”
Weekend health care
Lansley went on to attack the negative press the recent statistics have received.
“Why would you use a headline like ‘you’re more likely to die at the weekend’? Why not say ‘you’re more likely to live during the week’?”
“It’s a subtle change, but one that makes a great deal of difference to how easy my job is.”