Nick Knowles has abandoned plans to make A&E departments a calmer place to stay, after critics claimed his presence was just making things worse.
“With over 57,000 attacks on our staff last year, we’re keen to give our A&E departments a make-over, to help people stay calm”, explained Derek Hunter, an NHS customer relations manager.
“I’d hoped Nick Knowles would be able to sort us out in a weekend, given some help from Billy the electrician and that lumpy, big one that looks a bit like Ross Kemp.”
The stars of DIY SOS have a long history of miraculously making the heavily damaged homes of people with difficult lives into a platform for Nick Knowles.
“As Nick has shown again and again, nothing heals the pain of a crippling industrial accident like a new sofa and a couple of innovative storage solutions”, said Hunter.
“It’s amazing how much it cheers people up, the thought of standing in a freshly painted kitchen, watching him leave.”
“I thought these highly skilled presenters might be able to solve the problems of years of under-investment in frontline NHS services and a culture of binge-drinking, by recommending some new cushions that complimented the car park ticket machine.”
Nick Knowles assured Hunter that his team was up to the job, even though previously they’d never tackled anything bigger than a village hall.
Hunter went on, “We spoke on the phone about the underlying socio-economic problems, how a continual fear of violence can cause stress and anxiety, and how we fancied a carpet that didn’t show up vomit.”
“I was a bit worried when he demanded a rider, we’re not supposed to send ambulances to fetch decorators.”
“But Knowles is a professional and when he sent me the video montage of him putting up shelves, crying on demand and painting Billy’s shoes with white-wash, that was enough to reassure me that he was capable of playing the part of being a man for the job.”
Hunter now admits the project has been an abject disaster.
“Nick Knowles has never attempted to tackle anything as complex as a failing, multi-billion pound health system before.”
“That lack of experience soon began to show”, claims Hunter.
“His attempts at painting over the cracks weren’t working, and when he complained noisily about how he’d have to work long into a moody fade-out, one of the night-shift nurses threw a bedpan at him.”
Knowles eventually resorted to putting up some posters and cut-outs of himself, reasoning that his smile might offer as much hope to someone with a broken arm as it does to a woman who’s recently faked a messy divorce and demolished her own kitchen with hammers.
Hunter remains sceptical, “It turns out no-one really likes Nick Knowles quite as much as Nick Knowles does. I’m beginning to wish I’d asked Sarah Beeny.”