Food poisoning provides authentic Indian holiday experience, insists Loyd Grossman

author avatar by 12 years ago

After jars of his Korma sauce were found to contain the bacteria Clostridium Botulinum, Loyd Grossman insisted that the sauce will allow consumers to experience a taste of an authentic holiday in India involving several days sat on the toilet with their heads in the sink.

Grossman boasted that the sauce would provide food fans with blurred vision, difficulty swallowing, headaches, muscle weakness and an arse that goes off like a “fucking geyser”.

A Scottish couple have given the sauce a glowing review after they were admitted to hospital shortly after dinner on Friday night.

“Oh God, Oh God, please make it stop,” enthused 35 year old John Bennett, who normally prefers something a bit more spicy.

“Help me, Nurse! Please help me, it’s started coming out of both ends at once!” raved his wife.

Lloyd Grossman botulism alert

Dr Kathie Grant, a botulinum toxin expert at the Health Protection Agency, said: “Food poisoning as severe as this is extremely rare in this country.”

“Previously if you wanted to eat a traditional Indian dish followed by acute respiratory failure and a coma then you’d have to travel abroad, but it seems that Mr Grossman’s expert blend of aromatic spices and neurotoxins has made it a much simpler process.”

Grossman, who is the former host of popular culinary show, Masterchef, revealed that he hopes to expand his range of tasty stomach upsets.

“The forced expulsion of what you’ve just eaten, whether that’s through your mouth or nose, can give people a real insight into what it’s like to visit some parts of the world,” he explained.

“Why spend money travelling overseas to lie on a bathroom floor covered in your own filth when you can do it right here in the UK at just a fraction of the cost.”