UK Border Agency ’employing thousands of illegal immigrants to track themselves’

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The UK’s border control agency, UKBA, has admitted that it might be employing illegal immigrants to trace their own movements.

Despite the use of CCTV, datametrics and Doris in the canteen who never forgets a face, many of these staff haven’t been seen for weeks.

“A lot of our employees are having to work covertly. They adopt a fake name and go deep undercover, normally around the time that their targets, namely themselves, go missing.”

“They’re very dedicated, we haven’t got a clue where most of them are.”

Before asking them to track themselves, tracking illegal immigrants had been a political hot potato, with up to 124,000 missing, presumed hiding.

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UK Border Agency

Immigration Minister Damian Green admits its a big problem, but thinks the skills they’ve learned in the take-away and construction industries make them ideal employees of UKBA.

“They’re used to working long, anti-social hours, that’s a real advantage if you’re having to spy on yourself working in an all-night sweat shop.”

Green wants more openness around the thorny question of migration, starting with a clearer use of English.

“A lot of the language surrounding immigration is very misleading”, claimed Green.

“Putting people in a ‘controlled archive’ suggests that they’re past it. We can’t write these people off just yet, instead we’re rebranding and at the same time announcing the creation of 124,000 new jobs in the International Surveillance industry.”

“It’s very cost-effective, legally we don’t have to pay them the minimum wage. We don’t even need any offices.”

Some sections of the press have criticised the UKBA, claiming that a flood of immigrants has caused a housing crisis and priced many young people out of the job market. But Green defended the agency’s new policy of spying on itself.

“If failed asylum seekers are paid to keep tabs on themselves, we can free up jobs for young people in the lucrative fruit- and cockle-picking industries.”

“Of course the pressure on housing is a more difficult issue, it’s a real problem, particularly in the capital. I’ll make a statement about that on Monday, as soon as I’m back from my constituency home.”