Dietitians urge Scots to adopt English diet of pasties on motorways

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Dietitians claim up to 4,000 lives a year could be saved in Scotland, if people adopted ‘a more English’ diet of hastily consumed pre-packed service station pastries.

People have reacted angrily to the latest attack on Scottish cuisine and the report’s writers are braced for a battering.

“The English tradition of arriving two hours late for a meeting with flakes of pastry and carrot all down your suit isn’t one we wish to adopt”, complained Scottish Food minister Agnes Clearey.

“Besides, we don’t have the infrastructure. We’ve only got a couple of motorway service stations, and nowhere outside Edinburgh worth queuing for.”

English Diet

Health advisers are looking at educating Scottish palates with a series of dietary initiatives.

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“We need to simplify the message”, said food scientist Sally Trentham. “These reports often contain a lot of technical terms, such as ‘trans-fatty acids’, ‘vitamins’ and ‘fruit’: alien concepts to a lot of Scots.”

“We need to get the Scottish to change their relationship to food. You can’t just eat whatever you like, you need to consider how it affects your ability to change gear for a roundabout.”

England has a long tradition of creating car-friendly food, from the Cornish pasty to the Ginsters baked slice.

“They’re not as greasy and they work well as emergency sun visors”, enthused Trentham.

“Fried or battered food can ruin a silk tie, where flaky pastry would leave no trace. That’s got to be better for your blood pressure.”

Trentham thinks the traditional Scotch Egg is particularly hazardous, claiming greasy breadcrumbs and egg yolk aren’t easily brushed off. “If you keep scoffing these on arterial roads, you’re more likely to experience a crash.”

“We’re urging people to adopt a more balanced diet, so if you’re driving on your own, why not eat an apple?”

“The occasional battered Scotch pie is acceptable, but only when you’ve got a passenger who can hold it for you at junctions.”