Wednesday 26 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

NHS faces unannounced spot-checks by undertakers

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley is getting tough on standards of care in the NHS, by introducing a system of random spot-checks from undertakers, to see if anyone is still alive.

“Nursing care in the NHS isn’t up to scratch, particularly for the elderly”, declared Lansley.

“We’ve all heard reports of squalid conditions, inadequate food, and temperamental bedside TV and phone systems that cost a bloody fortune to use.”

“The rot goes pretty deep, which is why I’m going back to basics. By clearing out our dead customers, nurses will have more time to address the concerns of our more loyal, breathing end users.”

Patient charities have welcomed the inspections, and are confident that by withdrawing vital services such as soiled bedding, empty drips and week-old mashed potato from less responsive consumers, the living could reap the benefits.

“I’m pretty sure Auntie Ada has been dead for some time now, judging by the temperature of all these bowls of soup on her little table”, sighed Janice Headley, a volunteer for her hospital’s patient support group.

“She smells pretty rotten too, but that’s normal for this ward.”

NHS reforms

Janice has been waiting for the hospital to confirm her Aunt’s condition for three days, but is struggling to find a nurse that speaks English.

“Fortunately, an anonymous mortician arrived this morning, and popped some pennies on her eyes. She’s in much better hands now, and so much cleaner.”

Medical experts are divided on whether undertakers should be deciding if a patient has passed on, but funeral directors have responded by including a prepaid mobile phone, a flask of tea and a couple of fresh sandwiches in the coffins, just in case they make a mistake.

“I think that’s a step too far”, complained Janice. “Mrs Weasley in bed four has faked her death three times now, just to try and get a decent meal and make an affordable phone call to her daughter.”

“Old people shouldn’t be put in a position where they’d be better off dead.”

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