Friday 14 October 2011 by Gary Stanton

Let the rainforest die or risk new U2 album, warn experts

The entire destruction of the Amazonian rainforest may be a price worth paying in order to deprive U2’s The Edge of new guitars, say experts.

Arboreal Scientists insist Gibson guitars made from prime rainforest mahogany are solely to blame for the supergroup’s thirty year recording career, and issued a stark warning that it could extend to a fourth decade if the supply is not cut off at its source.

As news circulated that The Edge and Bono were keen to book some studio time and ‘knock some ideas around’, Prime Minister David Cameron last night urged hefty sanctions against Brazil if it refuses to speed up the pace of environmental catastrophe by giving the green light to illegal logging firms.

Meanwhile music fans across the globe have launched a ‘Sponsor a Chainsaw Appeal’ to give every Brazilian family that doesn’t own a chainsaw the chance to keep one in their shed.

In return for their hard-earned cash, sponsors receive regular updates of the number of trees felled and any species extinctions that were caused as a result.

U2 rainforest plea

Dave Hamilton, 43, of Leicester, who parted company with U2 over the lyric ‘One man caught on a barbed wire fence’, said, “In their first two weeks my sponsored chainsaws took out an area the size of Delamere forest and several native species including the kapok tree lizard and the blue-arsed macaque.”

“I want my kids to live in a world free of those horrible big spiders and the looming spectre of Zooropa 2014. ”

And as Bono announced that The Edge was in the market for a new Gibson after busting the strings on his old one, Greenpeace have reassessed their priorities as the prospect of a 322nd U2 studio album draws ever closer.

Greenpeace Spokesman Franco Colangeli, who now favours a scorched earth policy, said “If we can totally disregard for a moment the pro-green angle I favoured in our last press release in June – there has been a huge amount of shit talked about climate change and biodiversity, but the truth is nobody’s really sure.’

He added, “Plus I’d like a nice chess set made out of teak.”

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