Tories insist doctors must speak English at moron level

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The Conservatives have insisted that all NHS doctors must demonstrate a mastery of moron English and will no longer be able to describe illnesses in Greek, Latin, or with words of more than two syllables.

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley told reporters, “My constituents tell me they can’t understand medical mumbo-jumbo, such as ‘insomnia’ or ‘obesity’. But if a GP explains in simple terms that they’re just fat and tired, the patient immediately understands.”

“Then it’s a simple matter of treating them with some wakey-wakey sweets, or a tummy stapler.”

Many of Britain’s sick or unwell are too embarrassed to tell their doctors that they don’t understand them.

“I had some troubles ‘down there'”, explained Margery Huxstable, a cat enthusiast from Dudley.

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“I made an appointment to see that nice man who sits next to the skellington, and he said he suspected a prolapse, but he’d need to see the results of my uterus exam first.”

“I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. If he’d just said that someone needed a rummage in my ‘lady pocket’, it would have saved me a lot of worry. And an awkward conversation with the secretary at my old school.”

Doctors must speak moron

Conservative MPs are demanding that all doctors face a series of tests to make sure they can communicate clearly with the sort of person they themselves wouldn’t dream of communicating with.

“A lot of anxiety could be avoided if doctors speak the same limited language as their patients”, announced a junior minister.

“We’re going to test them on some key phrases, such as ‘collywobbles’, ‘bum gravy’ and ‘I slipped in the shower and it went up me’.”

There are worries that medical professionals who lack a grasp of limited English may be to blame for the misuse of medicines.

George Hubbard blames his GP for an incident that still troubles him, “I went to see Dr Tenenbaum to show him my poorly browneye, but he just mumbled something foreign-sounding about ‘haemorrhoids’.”

“He told me to get an ‘over the counter topical cream’ and ‘apply it locally’. I did my best. But if he didn’t want me to climb on the cheese counter at Tescos and ask them to rub in coconut oil, he should have tried speaking a little more plainly.”