Tuesday 4 October 2011 by Spacey

Conservatives in celebratory mood as health experts warn reforms will cause ‘irreperable damage’

After a letter signed by nearly 400 public health experts warned that the overhaul of the NHS in England will cause irreparable harm, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley is expected to tell the Conservative Party conference in his speech later today that their plan is working perfectly.

The letter, which says the changes represented a risk to patient care and safety, will lift the spirits of Conservatives who have been frustrated in their attempts to abolish such things as the 50p tax rate and rights for humans.

Lansley, who will enter the stage to Kool and the Gang’s party anthem Celebration, will deliver what is expected to be an upbeat routine.

“We were going to get our own letter drafted and signed by health professionals in support of our reforms, but unfortunately Nick Clegg’s grandfather is dead,” he is to joke.

Health reforms

Quoting directly from the letter it is also understood he will say “The bill will do irreparable harm to the NHS, to individual patients and to society as a whole.”

He will then pause briefly before pulling a party popper out of his jacket pocket and letting it off to what is expected to be the longest standing ovation since Phil Collins announced his retirement from the music industry.

Speaking to the BBC earlier this morning Prime Minister David Cameron said: “Believe it or not there are some GPs and doctors who actually support the reforms.”

“Hopefully by meeting with them and going through the bill in more detail we should be able to put a stop to that.”

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