Monday 3 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Children’s packed lunches lack couscous, warn foodie experts

Experts in fiddly food have slammed the low couscous content in Britain’s school lunchboxes, and claim some children have been sent to school without olives.

Leading foodie Marcus Gaston-Frais claimed that despite the criticism, he takes no joy in looking down his nose at the ‘sort of crap proles feed their kids’.

He said, “Jamie Oliver has worked wonders with school dinners, I hear from parents all the time who say their children are now demanding guinea fowl or kumquats at home too.”

“But with a little effort, we can also bring shame to the families of children who eat packed lunches.”

Foodie guidelines

Foodie guidelines insist that children should be given at least two items they have never heard of for lunch each day, and one of those should require specialist cutlery.

“It is much easier to sneer at kids from the council estate if you’re eating an edamame salad with a runcible spoon”, explained Gaston-Frais.

“They’ll have no comeback for that, even if they’ve got Babybels.”

Not everyone thinks that esoteric lunches are a good idea.

“The children only get an hour for lunch”, complained Emily Stokes, a teacher at a socially climbing school in North London. “Most of the kids are only half-way through eating a pomegranate with a pin, before the bell goes.”

Some teachers are taking a stand against the changes, and have been seen smuggling burgers and chips to their pupils.

“It’s all very well parents packing their kids off to school with a quail-egg and smoked trout tart. But these children need to taste crappy food early in their life, or they’ll never get used to it. What are they expected to eat at university?”

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