Monday 26 September 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Miliband woos conference faithful holding Gordon Brown’s severed head

Ed Miliband made a strong start to this year’s Labour Party conference, distancing himself from Gordon Brown’s policies by displaying the severed head of the former prime minister.

Stripped to the waist and heavily bronzed, Ed Miliband held aloft Brown’s decapitated head before shaking it at Ed Balls. As the crowd stood up to cheer, Ed made an empassioned speech.

“In hindsight, I would agree that some aspects of Gordon’s premiership had room for improvement”, bellowed Miliband, through gritted nostrils.

“Although he undoubtably did some good work, I think we could perhaps have done a few things slightly differently.”

Miliband quickly warmed to his new, more aggressive persona. As an assistant used tissues to daub Ed’s face red from the stump of the ex-premier’s neck, Miliband launched into a rousing tirade.

“I think we should sit down together and openly discuss whether we should cap tuition fees, and perhaps tackle the thorny issue of immigration”, he roared.

“Once we reach a consensus, I propose we draft a White Paper.”

Labour conference

At moments, there were fears that Miliband’s raw emotion could spill over into a change in facial expression, an area of unknown territory for the leader.

But his advisors were relieved that throughout his speech, his countenance remained as inscrutible as Gordon’s.

Miliband finished with an impressive flourish. Standing dangerously close to the edge of the stage, holding Gordon’s head aloft by his ears, he swore an undying pledge to his enraptured followers: “If you have any suggestions or concerns, be sure to raise them at one of our workshops so that we can discuss them openly and frankly, in a mature manner.”

Ed’s brother David is expected to make a similarly combative speech this afternoon, while holding Tony Blair’s testicles. Blair has insisted that David warms his hands first.

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