All new Land Rover to help motorists overcome mountainous Kensington terrain

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Car manufacturer Land Rover has revealed plans to produce an all-new version of its Defender model that it insists will help well-heeled motorists overcome the extreme mountainous terrain associated with Kensington and Chelsea.

Land Rover claim that the 4×4 vehicle will be able to “negotiate pavements and pedestrians as if they weren’t even there”.

“We wanted to produce a vehicle that is roughly the size of a rhino, costs the equivalent of a three bedroom semi-detached house in Gloucester, and is unlikely to ever be driven within 50 miles of so much as a muddy puddle,” said Land Rover’s director of design, Gerry McGovern.

“And let me assure you, the Defender fits that criteria perfectly.”

New Land Rover

Residents of Kensington and Chelsea, who are regularly forced to deal with obstacles such as the elderly and pushchairs, have revealed their excitement at the prospect of being able to negotiate such potentially treacherous inconveniences.

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“Trying to contend with conditions that involve people who don’t have as much money as me can be a real pain,” said 42 year old Briony Langdon-Devere.

“To have a car whose sheer size screams ‘get the fuck out of my way, you prole’ will save me the awful bother of having to do it myself.”