God has announced plans to send pestilence the US after his earthquakes and hurricanes were deliberately misinterpreted by Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann as a sign to cut federal spending.
The move comes after Bachmann told reporters that Hurricane Irene was just the latest in a series of messages from God proclaiming her as the fiscal saviour of the nation.
God told reporters, “Jesus, what more do I have to do – just shut the fuck up already Michele. You’re making me seem like a total idiot up here.”
“Every goddamn time she opens her mouth she makes me look bad – it has to stop, and it has to stop right now.”
“You think I give a rats ass about Democratic spending policy when there are starving children in the world? Well I don’t. I really, really don’t.”
Michele Bachmann misheard God
The divine creator went on, “I’d hoped Hurricane Irene would have made you all focus on what’s important, but no, she decided to use it to for political point scoring – well she has left me with no choice, pestilence it is.”
“And if that still doesn’t get the message across then I’m hitting her with lightning. I’m that pissed, seriously.”
“For clarification, and I want this to be crystal clear – I do not talk to anyone directly, ever, so if anyone claims to have a direct line to me and my intentions, they are a raving lunatic – OK?”
“And as for her husband, just come out already Marcus, I don’t care – honestly.”