Tragedy strikes as Branson island fire claims no-one

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Rescue workers have confirmed that the fire at Richard Branson’s private Caribbean island resort tragically claimed the life of not a single billionaire or celebrity.

Though the property itself was destroyed, it seems that the worst fears of many were realised, with all residents remaining completely unharmed and accounted for.

Fire service worker Simon Williams told us, “Fire moves quickly, but I guess in this case it simply wasn’t quick enough. It’s a shame, but we have to do what we can to get over this setback.”

“With actors, actresses and heirs and heiresses, you would have thought a blaze of this type could have picked off a couple of them – but no.”

“We obviously tell people that fire regularly kills, but you have to remember that it’s not a guarantee, every single day people survive fires – right now, somewhere in the world someone is walking free from a flaming building.”

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“So we can only apologise if this got anyone’s hopes up.”

Branson island fire

The incident has raised the spectre of further tragic incidents from which celebrities might emerge completely unharmed.

Safety campaigner James Matthews told us, “It started last year with Katie Price writing off her car and still managing to walk away completely unscathed, and now we have this – where will it end?”

“Might Kerry Katona fall from a tall building and suffer nothing more than a minor scrape? Or maybe Peter Andre will be hit by a bus, but live to tell the tale?”

“Something must be done.”