Government announces plans to increase competition between murderous nurses

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The government has insisted that the introduction of competition in the NHS will ensure that future murder sprees will be completed with improved efficiency, and at a lower cost to the tax payer.

Health Minister Andrew Lansley announced greater competition across the health service yesterday, saying “This is a big day for patients, choice over how and where they are murdered is becoming a reality.”

“For too long inefficient processes, and a lack of competition, have left patients with no choice but to be murdered by a nurse not of their choosing.  Hopefully those days will soon be behind us.”

“If nothing else, this will ensure that NHS nurses will need to up their game when it comes to murdering patients.”

NHS competition

Patients have given the announcement a luke-warm reception, with many believing that increased private sector involvement may reduce cost, but also quality.

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Former NHS patient Mike Williams told us, “I know we need to save a few quid, but do we really think that murdering the public is the place to do it?”

“Do we really want to be murdered by the lowest bidder?”

“Personally, I’d rather be murdered by someone dedicated to doing so, not because there’s a few quid in it for them.”


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