by Satander has announced it will be relocating its call-centres from India back to the UK, to ensure that its customer can learn what it’s like to have your complaint handled by a part-time know-it-all teenage media studies student.
The bank claims that customer complaints have led to the move, and that customers will soon realise “just how good they had it.”
Chief Executive Ana Botin told reporters, “Anyone who has ever tried to have a conversation with a British teenager knows what frustration is all about. I would warn customers to just be prepared to hear the word ‘whatever’ over and over and over again.”
“The customer feedback was that our customer weren’t happy having their calls answered by an overly-pleasant family man from the Indian sub-continent.”
“Fine, we’re now going to pay through the nose so that have you can be abused over the phone by someone from Swindon. I hope you’re all happy.”
Santander call-centres
Banking analysts have welcomed the return of Santander jobs to the UK, but insisted it will make bugger all difference to overall customer satisfaction.
Analyst Simon McAllen told us, “What banks are failing to realise is that if you bring complaint handling back the UK, but leave the administration processes that cause the complaints overseas, you’re really not preventing the problem.”
“You’re not so much polishing the turd, as rolling it in miserable glitter until you hope it goes away.”
