Rebekah Brooks is legendary underworld kingpin Keyser Söze, the mythical crime figure who garners unrivalled influence amongst law enforcement and billionaire media moguls alike, it was confirmed this morning.
Suspicions were raised when ruthless megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch chose to shut the world’s most popular profit-making newspaper, rather than have her exposed in her true identity.
Media analyst Deborah Matthews told us, “I knew it! I’ve been saying for years that Brooks was pulling the strings all along, but no-one believed me. There is only one possible reason she’s not been fired, and that’s that she’s the real mastermind behind the whole News Corp crime syndicate.”
“You only have to look into her eyes to see the machiavellian heart that marked her out as more than just a mere ‘newspaper editor’. I bet Murdoch is nothing more than her puppet.”
“Plus she sometimes walks with a bit of a limp, have you noticed that?”
“I heard she’s got some nuclear shit on everyone from David Cameron down to the guy who puts the books back at Westminster library. So I guess we’ll now see how much influence a genuine crime lord really has.”
Rebekah Brooks uncovered
It is expected that now Keyser Söze’s true identity is known to the public, she will use whatever is in her eyeline to concoct an elaborate back-story to ensure that everyone believes she was an innocent party.
As one former News International worker said, “I’ve seen her do it at parties, it’s a pretty impressive trick.”
“But the greatest trick Brooks ever pulled was convincing people she wasn’t at the very heart of all this.”