Sunderland’s Steve Bruce set to bid for anything with a pulse

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Sunderland could be set to break their transfer record after reports surfaced that manager Steve Bruce was preparing an audacious bid for absolutely anything as long as it has a pulse and owns a pair of football boots.

Bruce has been keeping a particularly close eye on an unnamed target and is believed to have been impressed with how conscious it was of its own existence.

The former Birmingham boss has also revealed that he hasn’t ruled out the possibility of signing embryophytes as he looks to bolster his squad for the forthcoming Premier League campaign.

He told fans of the club, “I’ve watched some videos of both Vascular and non-vascular land plants in action, but I’m not going to say anymore than that or it might alert Kenny Dalglish.”

“I am interested in just about any living organism, but I would like to reassure fans that I am ruling out any move for Emily Heskey.”

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Sunderland signings

Sunderland fans are hoping that Bruce can come up trumps with some self-aware living organism signings, amid growing concerns that non-vascular land plants would struggle to adapt to the fast pace of the Premier League.

“Bryophyta and Anthocerotophyta might sound exciting, but I’m not sure that they’re any better than what we’ve already got,” said season ticket holder Dean Elliot.

“It’s all very well sounding foreign, but having a vowel at the end of your name doesn’t guarantee you’ll cut it in the Premier League.”

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