The Daily Mail is reporting that Andy Murray was knocked out of Wimbledon because his commute was slightly extended during yesterday’s strike by teaching professionals.
Murray lost the match by three sets to one, leaving the Daily Mail to publish a complex series of cause and effects statements laying the fault of his exit purely at the feet of striking unionised workers.
Mail editor Paul Dacre explained, “Had the schools been open yesterday, Andy would never had been two minutes late for his training session and he would have been prepared enough to make it to the final.”
“They are directly responsible for the death of Britain’s Wimbledon dream.”
“I hope they’re happy.”
Murray out due to teacher strike
Analysts have warned that the Daily Mail’s tenuous grasp on the nature of cause and effect runs the risk of leaving them with a readership even more poorly-informed than they currently are.
Non-moron Simon Matthews told us, “The linking of two events separated by such distance, and implying direct causality between them, is the type of reporting you could only see in the Daily Mail.”
“But whilst we’re talking about them, did you know there was a guy who died in a car crash this morning only because he stopped to buy a Daily Mail?”
“He’d have missed the accident completely if the Mail hadn’t published a paper today.”
“I hope Paul Dacre is happy with all that blood on his hands.”