Thorntons is to close 180 stores after officials confirmed that the current economic climate has left many of its core market of gluttonous fatties unwilling to pay two quid for a bar of chocolate.
A chocolate maker, which gave a profit warning in May, said that unless fat people could be encouraged to pay a huge premium for chocolate patterned with different coloured chocolate, further closures might be possible.
A spokesperson told us, “We have a long tradition of charging way too much for what everyone knows is just a bar of chocolate in a fancy wrapper, but it’s a model that in the current economic climate is simply unsustainable.”
“People have realised that chocolate is chocolate, and there are cheaper ways to go about eating several pounds of it whilst crying in front of the TV about how miserable your existence is.”
Consumer expert Mike Smith told us, “Thorntons is suffering because fat people have learned that if they can be arsed to waddle their way to Aldi they can get a Kilo of chocolate for about twenty pence.”
“However, some people will still pay a lot for chocolate, I know this because I was at the M6 services yesterday and a Dairy Milk was 90p, NINETY PENCE! I tell you, if you want to know what prices will be like in 2020, go shopping at a service station today.”
The final word went to industry analyst Shane Williams who said, “Affluent fatties are a shrinking market, but they are also very lucrative. So you can’t blame Thorntons for hanging on in there.”
“They have lots of money, a desirable amount of self-loathing, and an innate unwillingness to get up and look around for a better deal.”