Hypochondriacs completely in the shit

author avatar by 12 years ago

Hypochondriacs everywhere have been desperately contacting their doctors to try and get their hands on a medication that might counteract the many medications that they now believe are killing them.

Combinations of commonly used drugs – for conditions such as heart disease, depression and allergies – have been linked with increased risk of death, a condition which causes sufferers to cease existing both physically and mentally.

Hypochondriacs have been busily checking their symptoms to determine whether they’re just about clinging to life.

“I’ve done some research and I’m almost certain that I’m dead,” revealed one concerned continual illness sufferer.

“I can’t find a pulse and my anticholinegic wotsits are through the roof!”

“I knew I looked a bit peaky yesterday, and this early-onset death that I’m suffering from right now if proof I was right!”

Killer pills

Experts said patients must not panic or stop taking their medicines.

“I can’t emphasise enough the importance of patients not panicking or getting stressed,” said Dr Clare Gerada, chairman of the Royal College of GPs.

“If they do suffer stress as a result of these findings then the mediction that we provide to help them stay relaxed could seriously fuck them up.”

“And that’s just more paperwork we could really do without.”