Women all over the world have no option but to glam up their mammary glands now that breast implants have been confirmed to be safe.
With increased availability and prices tumbling, some women had been using reports of complications to craftily wriggle out of cup-correction procedures.
But that escape route has now been slammed shut after research revealed that there is only a very small chance of something called ‘lymphoma’.
“There’s no place to hide anymore,” one researcher declared. “Women will just have to accept surgery as part of their passage into womanhood.”
“Unless they’ve been blessed with a naturally bountiful boobage which can somehow hover against Newton’s law once it has been unleashed, that is.”
“But if they don’t have such organically grown breasts, then they will just have to have surgery to sort themselves out. It’s as simple as that.”
While the health myth concerning implants for women has been completely discredited, scientists have conceded that they do still pose some risk for their male counterparts.
A spokesman for the Department of Transport said, “It has been well documented that large and perfectly sculpted breasts that recklessly wobble and bobble by the side of the road have been known to cause car crashes in which men have been killed.”
“But if you weigh up the pros and cons in both hands in a kind of cupping fashion, you’ll realise it’s a risk that all men are willing to take.”