by As people begin finding out which Olympic tickets they’ve already paid for, the deep disappointment associated with securing seats at thoroughly tedious events is expected to peak at around one o’clock today.
Lucky ‘winners’ are being notified by email, as face to face notifications were deemed likely to see Olympic officials subject to various physical threats and intimidation.
Ticket holder Tony Williams told us, “I got archery. Bloody archery. I don’t even like archery.”
“I got caught up in the excitement of applying, and after the opening ceremony and 100m final, I thought I’d better tick a few more, just in case. What a twat.”
“I’ll be sitting miles away from people firing arrows at a completely stationary coloured target, probably in the rain. But I’ve seen Robin Hood, so I know it’s going to be shit.”
Olympics Tickets
Experts are predicting that “I didn’t get what I wanted” will replace the “I didn’t get any” as the Olympic story du jour in pubs across the country from this evening.
Successful applicant Michael James told us, “No, I didn’t get what I wanted, I got Fencing. It’s pretend sword-fighting, apparently, who knew?”
“I thought it was an event to see who could dispose of stolen goods the quickest, and I was sure I’d see a British medal in that, but now I’m sort of wishing I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t get anything.”
“Having these tickets is like applying to Oxford to read English only to find yourself enrolled on a three-year Social Work course at Swansea instead.”
“But if you happen to stumble across a gullible moron who wants to watch some over-privileged former public schoolboys slapping each other with floppy swords, give them my number will you?”
