Euro should be given one-way ticket to Switzerland, says Straw

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Jack Straw can no longer bear to witness the painful deterioration of the single European currency and thinks it is time to let Dignitas do the decent thing.

After a promising start in life, the Euro has descended into a seemingly endless cycle of suffering, with problems in its Eire and an embarrassing situation in its Portugal.

But the former foreign secretary feels the recurring problem that the currency has with its bottom could be terminal, and should be dealt with accordingly.

“This is a hell of a lot worse than a case of piles,” Mr Straw told the Commons. “And I’m sure every MP here knows just how bad that can be, with us sitting on our arses all day.”

“But we can no longer sit on this situation with the Euro so I’m of the opinion that it must be killed, but in a nice way, with sympathetic smiles and comfy pillows.”

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“And of course, that all important lethal overdose of powdered pentobarbital.”

Billion-saver bargain

Straw described the investment of €4000 in the currency’s assisted suicide as a ‘bargain’ in comparison to the proposed €10 billion bailout ‘which would only prolong the agony’.

“Then the remainder could be put aside for similar pain-ending procedures for all of these failing economies, perhaps even our own,” he added.

“Though I think we all know that the NHS will be well ahead of it in the queue.”

A pro-life campaign has surprisingly been mounted by several eurosceptic Tories, but only in the hope of seeing the Euro writhing in agony during a long, drawn-out death.