Zombies all over the UK are ‘totally unprepared’ for work-related conversations or even office small talk at any time before noon on a Monday, it has emerged.
Many Britons are familiar with the sub-human heaps they see scattered around the workplace after the weekend, but a groundbreaking study has revealed that these zombies are only capable of communicating through anguished grunts and sympathy-seeking sighs until they have had some lunch.
“Their inability to hold their bodies in an upright position comes with an inability to hold simple conversation,” animal behaviour expert Professor Craig Miller revealed.
“The gargantuan task of hauling their carcasses into work robs them of all their energy and any remaining human characteristics, so it’s not possible – and sometimes it’s not even safe – to ask them any questions until noon.”
Being completely incapable of speech, the creatures often try to nod or shake their heads in response, and this sudden movement often causes extreme pain to the ‘small part of their brains which have not been damaged by their excesses’.
“If you are lucky this may result in the kind of primeval wail that is usually associated with gorillas mourning the loss of a cub,” the professor continued.
“But we’ve known some similarly wounded animals to react far more violently to the disturbance of their peaceful habitats.”
“So if co-workers urgently need the assistance of the creatures, I recommend that they approach cautiously without making eye contact and have an offering of coffee to help gain their trust.”
“Or just keep your distance and communicate by e-mail.”