An anti-abortion group that favours an abstinence-based approach to sex education has told the government it hopes to replace condoms with the fear of God shoving his smiting stick up their arses for all eternity.
The Life organisation, who are opposed to abortion in all circumstances, have been drafted in by the government to advise them on sexual health, in the hope they can convince teenagers having babies all of the time might not be such a brilliant idea.
Early tactics revealed that they plan to tell teenagers that there are a number of activities that teenagers could carry out as an alternative to sexing each other up, with long country walks, a game of Kerplunk and pottery all amongst the list of suggestions put forward.
Teenagers have reacted with bemused intrigue, with one hormone-ravaged walking erection saying, “They’re telling us that not having sex is actually better than having sex? You’re absolutely sure that’s what they’re saying?”
“Can you confirm that any these people have ever actually HAD sex? I have my doubts.”
Pro-abstinence set for new failure
Stuart Cowie, Life’s head of education, said, “No-one ever got pregnant by not having sex. What? Well, yes, I suppose there is the Virgin Mary, but that’s not the point and you know it.”
“The point is that teenagers having sex is becoming a real problem, and it’s something that we should all be thinking about.”
“No, not literally of course! I’m not saying that everyone should imagine teenagers having sex! Definitely not, oh no!”
“Mmmmmmmmmmm, Yep, they’re definitely going to hell.”