As the season draws to close, supporters of Liverpool are trembling behind their sofas at the horrifying prospect of another season in the Europa League.
Last night’s result between Manchester City and Tottenham has left Liverpool languishing in fifth, painfully close to the glory of the Champions League but even more painfully certain of a seemingly endless series of two-legged affairs with FC Wherethehellski.
“I was praying for Spurs to do us a favour last night by accidentally overtaking us,” confessed one die-hard Liverpool fan.
“But old Crouchie showed the world just how desperate he was to avoid the infinite boredom of the No-Hoper League with his crucial own goal.”
“Anything but that,” cried another Scouser. “I’d love for us to have snatched fourth but I dread coming fifth, because fifth means Channel 5.”
“All of us Reds dream of seeing the lads lifting a sixth European Cup but we also have as many nightmares about endless series of banana skins and the mind-numbing analysis of Pat Nevin.”
“I’m even thinking of moving to the Outer Hebrides for next season because they don’t receive Pat Nevin there.”
Ryanair are already offering overnight returns from Liverpool to Pat Nevin black spots from as little as £499.