Jeremy Clarkson has defended socialite Jemima Khan over rumours that she has taken out a super-injunction preventing the publication of intimate photographs of herself with an animal.
Clarkson claims to be very well acquainted with the Goldsmith heiress and believes that he knows all about the most private details of her love life.
Believing that this knowledge gives him a right to comment on the allegations, he made a public appearance to defend his close friend while also chastising the beast.
“I know that the animal itself is secretly loving all this,” Clarkson said in a carefully worded statement. “I bet it started all these hideous rumours in the first place.”
“But I can assure you all that they are a pack of lies and that Jemima just isn’t the type to get off on that kind of inter-species intercourse.”
The Top Gear presenter continued, “I’ve heard that there are people who are completely lacking in self-esteem and are so full of self-loathing that they could engage in an act of fornication with something so feral.”
“But we shouldn’t forget that Jemima was once married to Imran Khan who is definitely human and she dated Hugh Grant who shares approximately 99% of DNA with homo sapiens so I can’t see her getting involved with any such creature.” He added.
“Especially one that has yet to be classified by taxonomists.”