Signs that the Royal Wedding is becoming self-aware have prompted fears that it could attack and attain world domination by Thursday, a whole day earlier than previously believed.
Televisions across the world have started broadcasting programmes about the Royal Wedding against the will of many viewers, and 1,000 members of the armed forces are believed to have taken part in a full-scale procession this morning at 0500 BST.
“Where am I?” asked one bemused soldier.
“One minute me and some of the lads are furiously masturbating onto a digestive biscuit, and the next I’m marching around outside a big church.”
Early indications that the wedding had become capable of acting of its own free will became apparent on Monday when the first royal enthusiast began camping out in front of Westminster Abbey.
Royal Wedding knows where you live
John Loughrey revealed that he had no idea how he got to the venue for the wedding, but said he had become overwhelmed with an urge to set up camp and spend four days pissing in a bottle.
Office workers have also expressed concern that the Royal Wedding has caused co-workers to decorate their office in an attempt to involve people in something that they really couldn’t give a fuck about.
“There’s Union Jacks all around my desk and red, white and blue balloons everywhere,” revealed a senior administrator for a leading insurer.
“I’m not sure how decorating the office to look like a BNP Family Fun Day is supposed to lift my spirits.”