Anglicans converting to Catholicism in protest at the Church of England’s decision to ordain women as bishops, have insisted that they aren’t leaving because they hate women, they’re leaving because Jesus did.
900 Anglicans are expected to convert this Easter, and some have spoken of their motives for the move.
“Jesus didn’t have any female disciples,” revealed former Anglican bishop Keith Newton. “Don’t ask me why, but he didn’t.”
“Maybe he was concerned about them wanting time off if they got pregnant, or that they might get a bit stroppy at certain times of the month. I don’t know why, but it’s not my job to question him, it’s my job to follow his example.”
“And yes, before you ask, if Jesus had said to put my head in an oven, I would have done.”
With God seemingly unimpressed with homosexuals, and Jesus not too enamoured with women, critics have hit out at the omnipresent superbeing and his son as being ‘dangerously right wing’.
“What next?” asked Graham Hunter from the Atheist Society. “I expect that the church has probably got a team of priests working round the clock to see if there’s anything in the bible highlighting God’s anger towards people claiming benefits and economic immigrants.”
“All in all, the bible comes across like a religious version of the comments section of the Mail Online.”