Channel 5 to relaunch Big Brother without the cultural refinement

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Channel 5 has announced plans to bring television lunatic asylum Big Brother back to British screens, once it has managed to rid the format of any semblance of culture or refinement.

Richard Desmond’s attempts to bring the dead format back to life have been sucessful, and he intends to give the show a prime time slot once he has managed to dumb it down to a level more suitable for a Channel 5 audience.

Desmond told viewers, “Believe me, once you’ve seen our format it will make the Channel 4 version to look like The South Bank Show.”

“I knew I could improve the format. I mean, what’s the point of having people locked in a house talking about their feelings and stuff?”

“I’m pretty sure that with a bit of tinkering and a sprinkle of magic Desmond dust we can get them having sex within twenty minutes of us locking the door.”

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“And I think we all know everyone will want to watch that.”

Big Brother moving to Channel 5

The move to re-ignite the ailing franchise has left many television owners feeling ambivalent, at best.

Tracey Williams told us, “This is a channel that has some how managed to convince the authorities that OK! TV forms part of the ‘news and current affairs’ coverage that their broadcast licence mandates.”

“God only knows what Big Brother will be like when they get their hands on it. I’m imagining perpetually rutting extras from The Only Way is Essex, and I don’t think I’ll be too far off.”

“You have to remember that this is a television format that made Jade Goody and Alex Reid famous, so if that’s not enough of reason to ditch it forever, then I really don’t know what is.”