Sexually clued-up scouts are to show their peers the correct way to dodge the STI bullet, under a new scheme called ‘My Body, My Choice, Your turn to buy the condoms’.
Scouts will aim to share the knowledge gained courtesy of predatory Akelas to a new generation who believe, rightly or wrongly, that the only way to collect the full set of badges is to leave the tent flap open and strive to ‘do their best’.
The Health Protection Agency claims UK scouts boast the highest rates of STIs and teenage pregnancies in Europe, making them a laughing stock among continental scout movements, even those based in Belgium.
The course, which will take place in the great outdoors, means scouts will focus less on traditional activities such as map reading and knot-skills in order to learn the best way to dry hump through a nylon sleeping bag and and how to place a condom over a glistening engorged phallus using only the meagre light from a campfire.
Scouts sex education programme
Matt Mills, a Scout Leader from Essex who knows a thing or two said, “Until now it’s been about lying perfectly still and going to the clinic as soon as you get back from camp.”
“The new programme will cover relationships and sexual health and is designed to be used in a ‘semi-relaxed and informal environment’ with both male and female leaders to a backdrop of some light acoustic guitar.”
“The Gypsy Kings have written a surprising number of songs about anal sex.”
But adventurer and TV personality Bear Grylls, who holds the dubious position of Chief Scout, said the programme was more about enabling young people to “make smart decisions” about knowing when to shut the fuck up and keep things to themselves.
“We want to help young people become confident, clued up and stoical,” he said.
“Of course, when you’re finished with the condom that’s when your knot skills come in handy. “