Clegg wages war on reason he has a job

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Nick Clegg has launched the government’s social mobility strategy by saying he wants to stop people getting on in life purely because they know the same sort of people as the members of the cabinet.

Mr Clegg, who is the son of United Trust Bank’s chairman, revealed that he wanted to stop a lot of the informal advantages which are helping the morons he spends his days with achieve positions of power and influence.

He told reporters, “Let’s face it, If the positions of Oliver Letwin and Michael Gove were based solely on their ability, then Letwin would be serving you burgers at lunchtime and Gove would be telling you to sit down at football matches.”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with those jobs of course.  I just wouldn’t want someone who wears a fluorescent jacket to work making decisions that affect the education of every child in the country.”

Clegg on nepotism

There has been significant criticism of the government’s social mobility and child poverty strategies, especially in light of the recent rise in tuition fees and the scrapping of the Education Maintenance Allowance.

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“Nick Clegg waging a war on nepotism is like Charlie Sheen waging a war on drugs,” said a spokesperson for the University and College Union.

Mr Clegg also hit back at suggestions that he had only reached the position of deputy prime minister because of his privileged upbringing and the friends he has.

“It’s nonsense. I don’t have any friends left,” he said.