Ed Miliband to avoid eternal damnation by marrying woman he’s had sex with

author avatar by 13 years ago

Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has taken steps to avoid eternal damnation in a fiery hell by marrying the woman he has repeatedly had sex with out of wedlock.

Many Christians believe that sex before marriage is a sinful activity carried out by servants of Beelzebub, and will result in your name being scrubbed out on Heaven’s guest-list, or something.

With many church-goers also allowed to vote, Mr Miliband has announced that he will marry his accomplice in sin Justine Thornton in May this year.

A Labour insider told us, “With little in the way of ceremony, no bridesmaids or a best man, we’re confident this is the absolute very least he can do and still keep the Christians onside come polling day.”

Ed Miliband getting married

However some Christians have warned that getting married after years of living sinfully doesn’t guarantee a place in Heaven.

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“He’s left getting married very late, so there’s no guarantees he’ll be accepted by God, especially as there’s already evidence to suggest that he’s had sex with Miss Thornton at least twice,” said a Church of England spokesbishop.

“He should count himself lucky that UK law isn’t based around the old testament or he would have been stoned to death by now.”

Mr Miliband has denied that he is getting married to make himself more electable and revealed that he fully intends to make up for his past actions when he’s tied the knot.

“I’ve spoken with my brother and he assured me that once I’m married I’ll probably spend the rest of my life not having sex anyway.”

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