John Terry has become self-aware, warn scientists

author avatar by 13 years ago

The world of science was in shock last night after organic copulation unit John Terry admitted he knows he divides public opinion, demonstrating clear signs of self-awareness.

The discovery took place at an England press conference during which reinstated captain Terry used actual words to suggest he not only sees the reaction he invokes, but actually understands it.

Researcher into advanced footballer behaviour Professor David Hawking told us, “Do you have any idea what this means? Footballers are aware of their actions!”

“We’ve long believed that their brain chemistry was different to normal people, and that their thoroughly unpleasant behaviour was something over which they had no control.”

“John Terry has blown that all away in a single press conference.  He realises the effect he has on other people? This is earth-shattering stuff.”

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“This might change the way we interact with footballers forever.”

John Terry admits he divides opinion

The discovery has led to speculation that one day footballers might even be capable of playing a full role in a civilised society.

Hawking continued, “You have to realise that there is still a long way to go from recognising you’re a prick, to stopping being a prick, but we’re a lot closer to that sporting utopia than we were yesterday.”

“Who knows, with the right amount of funding we could see footballers on this nation’s streets completely unsupervised within our lifetimes.  That’s the dream.”

“And to think my brother Stephen said this line of research was a load of old shit.”

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