Tenuous Irish connection enough for most people, finds survey

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Brits across the country are preparing to celebrate St Patrick’s Day after insisting that their incredibly tenous genetic link to the Emerald Isle is all the excuse they need to get hideously drunk on a school night.

March 17th has long been a date in which people outside of Ireland celebrate something they think involves snakes by drinking stout and whiskey until they vomit.

However a new survey has found that 124% of UK residents claim to be part Irish in order to take advantage of the day’s festivities.

Londoner Dave McAlpine told us, “I’m part Irish so I will be in the pub this evening, yes. Specifically which part? Well, I don’t want to go into too much detail but my great-grandmother was half-Irish.  Or half-Russian, we’re not really sure to be honest.”

“Either way it means I have a genetic pre-disposition to loving booze. So get the beers in!”

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St Patrick’s Day

In offices around the country those staff members who have chosen to wear something green are insisting that it allows them to go to the pub at lunchtime and celebrate the ancestral links they’re not sure even exist.

City office worker Damien ‘Paddy for today’ Adams told us, “I saw a leprechaun on the tube this morning, it was definitely a sign!”

“Sure, he insisted he actually suffered from genetic disorder he called dwarfism, but he’s hardly going to admit he knows where all the gold is hidden, is he?”

“So yes, I will be in the pub tonight with my fellow Irish descendants to celebrate all that St Patrick stuff and that. Want to join us?”

“I’ll be drinking Guinness, even though I don’t like it, and then starting a fight with a stranger – what could be more Irish than that?”