In a sign of an increasingly fragmented mind, Deputy PM Nick Clegg used a keynote speech yesterday to back those Britons who wake up every day at 4 am with an urgent need to urinate.
Having previously backed the section of the population he called ‘alarm clock Britain’, Clegg was keen not to exclude those already awake when the alarm clock goes off at 6am, having spent the last two hours contemplating their wretched shit-caked jobs and entirely meaningless existences.
Reading from an autocue to a half-full conference, many of whom were asleep, Clegg said, “I can see you standing there with your flaccid cock in your hand waiting for something to happen.”
“You didn’t want to get up because you know you’re never gonna get back to sleep. Believe me when I say the Liberal Democrats will support you to the hilt.”
“Careful you don’t drip onto the floor. She’s really not going to like that.”
“And take care to shake properly. You don’t want to leave a trail of urine starting at the piss-mat and leading all the way to the bedroom. Come to think of it – why don’t you try it sitting down for a change like they do on the continent.”
Nick Clegg’s keynote conference speech
Although the speech won some support from those Lib Dems who feel increasingly betrayed by Clegg’s brazen sell-out, it received a mixed reception from those it sought to target.
Michael Wilcox, a diligent 4am pisser from Noctorum with an enlarged prostate gland, said, “I often wake at 4am, take a slash, and spend the next two hours wondering how the fuck I’m going to cough up the thirty grand I now need to get my kids through university. Cheers Nick.”
But Kevin Crossley, a drug-user from Merthyr Tydfil, welcomed Mr Clegg’s new spirit of inclusivity, saying “I usually goes for a piss at 4am and spends the next thirty minutes injecting dirty scag into my big blue vein.”
“It’s nice to know my values are liberal values. Tidy.”
“Fair dos though. If it’s the middle of the night, like, I always takes care not to flush, unless it’s something solid.”
“Which – given my constant stomach cramps – it rarely is.”