The government has announced a range of measures designed to overhaul the pension system, but admitted this could all be avoided if poor people would agree to die a bit more quickly.
Lord Hutton’s independent review suggested people should pay more towards their pensions, work longer and take home less, but a coalition spokesperson said this would completely unnecessary if people with no money started dying at around 65.
A government source told us, “Society has come a long way in a hundred years, but one of the worst aspects of the modern world is that poor people now live almost as long as those of us with plenty of money to put towards our pensions.”
“Barely a day goes by without you hearing about some council estate great great grandmother turning one hundred. Sure, the card from the Queen is nice, but this sort of thing has a price.”
“What would people prefer, a significant dip in the birthday candle industry, or a couple of pence on income tax? It’s a no-brainer really.”
The government has been quick to point out that it is pro-choice, and would allow poor people to bring a premature end to their lives in any manner they see fit.
Our source continued, “We’re not barbaric, we’re not talking about a Logan’s Run style dystopian future. We’re thinking more about encouraging them to do lots more of the unhealthy stuff they currently do like smoke, drink booze and eat junk food.”
“Perhaps the fruit and veg and booze allowances could be amended to reflect the size of your house?”
“Live in a council flat? Then you only need one piece of veg – which could be chips of course – and your alcohol allowance is seventy units a day.”
“Sitting on a tidy trust fund? Then I would push for seven pieces of fruit and veg and stick to just one glass of Chateauneuf Du Pape over dinner.”
“It’s the future.”