The government is to ban the promotion of cigarettes in shops and insist they can only be sold in plain packaging, in a move which it claims will probably stop everyone using them.
The move is the latest step in the government’s plans to stop people doing things that are bad for them, unless there is a fairly decent amount of tax revenue associated with it.
A government spokesperson told us, “Our research shows that the nation is filled with gullible simpletons, and if they can’t see cigarettes at the very end of their nose, then they definitely won’t ask anyone for them and will therefore be forced to stop using them.”
“After all, everyone knows that if you can’t see something in a shop it might as well not exist.”
“People will say that outright bans, or making something illegal is the best way to stop people using cigarettes. But we would argue that the best way to stop people smoking is to make them ask for cigarettes from someone who is desperate to sell cigarettes to them.”
“It is this sort of watertight logic that demonstrates exactly why we should be the boss of you.”
Cigarette packing rules
The new rules have been met with a positive response by people who don’t have the faintest clue about human behaviour.
Shopper Margaret Shilling told us, “Hiding it out of sight makes sense to me. I mean, only last week I had to give up bread because Tesco had stopped putting it where I thought it would be.”
“It wasn’t right there where I used to be able to see it, so I just assumed it didn’t exist any more.”
“And I really like sandwiches, so you can imagine my joy when I realised all I had to do was utter the magic words, ‘Have you got any bread?’ and POW! Suddenly I was able to get my hands on some bread.”