We take a look at the week ahead on a television screen near you and provide you with a guide to the best shows that is so simple even William Hague would be able to organise their recording.
Below is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to this week’s best television shows.
20:00 Thursday – My Life is a Series of Predictable and Easily Avoidable Mishaps
Orthadontist Ben Draper finds himself in numerous situations that would be easily avoidable if he wasn’t such a retard. This week Ben accidentally has sex with his mother-in-law and finds himself on the run from the police after being mistaken for a mass murderer.
BBC 1 [mother-in-law jokes]
20:00 Monday – Escape to the Country!
Endurance show hosted by Paul Gascoigne. Violent criminals on the run from the police head to the countryside and see how long they can avoid detection.
The losers blow their brains out live on TV, while the lucky winner gets to share a bucket of chicken and go fishing with the former England cry baby.
Channel 4 [gratuitous use of fast food]
20:00 Saturday – Simon Cowell Repeatedly Offends Poor People
Saturday night phenomenon Simon Cowell finally gets rid of the tedious ‘talent’ elements of his successful television formula to focus solely on offending people significantly poorer than him.
This week he tells Dave, a plasterer from Doncaster, that he once had sex with Sinita before insisting that Dave has so little money he should probably kill himself.
BBC 2 [frequent ‘to-you to-me’s]
21:00 Sunday – Living With Looking Like You’re Terminally Ill
One half of the Chuckle Brothers comedy duo Barry Chuckle meets people who, like him, look like they have about two weeks to live.
“It’s one thing to be dying, but looking like you’re dying is tragically overlooked in today’s society” reveals the funny man.
BBC 2 [frequent ‘to-you to-me’s]
20:00 Wednesday – Ghosts, Mysteries, UFOs and Cockneys
Well known Cockneys investigate unexplained events and mysteries. First up is Danny Dyer’s Hardest Aliens in the Galaxy. “I’m gonna trawl through space and give you the lowdown on some proper naughty extra terrestrials and find out what makes them tick.” he reveals.
Other investigations in the series include Eric Bristow’s Fuck-a-duck it’s the Bermuda Triangle and Chas and Dave’s Give it a Rest, Mary Celeste.
ITV 3 [Mockney Themes]
21:00 Tuesday – My Big Fat Gentrified Wedding
My Big Fat Gentrified Wedding: Fly-on-the-wall documentary following the wedding preparations of those families who choose an alternative lifestyle away from normal society, secluding themselves among the highly secretive Royal Household.
This week William explains how he ‘grabbed’ Kate a Polo Gala, Best Man Harry makes plans to spend your money on the stag do, and Kate turns Oxford Street’s Christmas lights into her dream dress.
Channel 4 [where DO they get the money?]
19:30 Tuesday – Freaky John’s Unemployed Nightmares
Long term unemployed stoner Freaky John offers help to people who are struggling to come to terms with the monotony and drudgery of life on the dole.
This week he shows 42 year old Sharon Toop, who lost her job 6 months ago, that if you take two massive hits from a bong as soon as youb wake up it will give you a nice mellow high that will last pretty much all day.
BBC 3 [unemployed people throughout]
20:00 Thursday – FILM CHOICE: MegaBadgers
Truly shocking creature-feature produced by the Countryside Alliance. After secret nuclear testing in Stow-on-the-Wold, for reasons not properly explained, the local badger population double in size and develop a craving for human flesh. Anyone bitten by the hateful badgers immediately turns into a paedo.
Can local pig farmer Zac Slayer and busty vet Felicity Horne stop the badger evil before they reach the Cotswold Show?
Followed by Fox of Fury: Sex Pest.
Film four [countryfolk]
18:00 Saturday – Junior Hell’s Kitchen
In this episode, which is so much more shocking than any episode that has gone before it, shouty-faced bully Gordon Ramsay pushes 6 year old Toby Johnson into a walk-in fridge and shouts “I don’t like bullshitters and you’re the biggest bullshitter I’ve ever met”
He also whispers in 7 year-old Gracie Hopkins’ ear “I want want you out” and informs 5 year old Freddie Newley “Mummy’s not going to do it for you, you fat fucker!”
ITV 1 [wrinkled forehead throughout]
23:45 Sunday – TITS!
Non-stop clips of impressive tits, enormous breasts and mind-boggling mammary glands.
Bravo [Only 15 mins, but you won’t need more than that]