Manchester United’s Nani ‘out for weeks’ with damaged vagina

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Manchester United’s Portuguese winger Nani will be out of action for up to three weeks after injuring his vagina in Sunday’s 3-1 defeat to Liverpool.

The flamboyant wide-man was struck down with fanny-knack shortly after being kicked on the leg by Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher.

A Manchester United Spokesperson explained, “We could tell from the way he screamed for attention and jumped up and down on the spot before getting all tearful that he’d done something to his vagina.”

“It was worse that we’d hoped, and it could keep him out of action for up to a month.”

“He is seeing a vagina specialist later today in the hope of speeding up his recovery, though we’re told this sort of vagina problem will take at least a week even in the most optimistic circumstances.”

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“In the meantime we’re doing it by the book and treating him with chocolate, a hot water bottle and whatever weepy rom-com he wants to watch on the telly.”

Liverpool beat Manchester United

Manchester united officials were incensed by the kick from Carragher, which they say could have permanently damaged Nani’s vagina.

First team coach Mike Phelan said, “I can’t believe that Carragher was allowed to get away with kicking him on the leg.”

“The sooner footballers stop kicking each other on the legs, the sooner we can stop worrying about damaged vaginas at the top level of the game.”

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson refused to mumble incoherently to the media after game, leading to suggestions that his own vagina might giving him trouble.

When asked why Ferguson did not appear for interviews, a club spokesperson said, “If you don’t know what’s wrong by now then he’s certainly not going to tell you.”

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