ScreenThump – Your handy television guide to the week ahead

author avatar by 13 years ago

We take a look at the week ahead on a television screen near you and provide you with a guide to the best shows that is so simple even William Hague would be able to organise their recording.

Below is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to this week’s best television shows.


18:00 Monday – Meal or no Meal

15 boxes, one meal! Eating disorder gameshow hosted by Noel Edmonds, who resembles a man holding a very deep and very dark secret.

Channel 4 [contains Noel Edmonds]

NewsThump Best sellers

21:00 Sunday – Top Whore

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and the other one racially abuse and then have sex with an Italian prostitute who claims to be able to take any man from flop to pop in less than ten seconds. This weeks Star on a Reasonably Priced Prostitute is Hugh Grant.

BBC 2 [frequent poor similes]

20:00 Wednesday – Animal Hospital Kitchen

Rolf Harris and Marco Pierre White team up to help families get over the loss of a much loved pet. This week the Tomlinson’s from Essex face up to the death of Tipsy, their pet cat.

“I was worried he’d be a bit stringy,” explains Mr. Tomlinson, “but Marco’s slow cooking method has left him deliciously tender. The Children loved it.”

ITV 3 [Australians]

21:00 Thursday – Causality, Aristotle, and Anal Sex

Former Eastenders stars Gary and Minty look into the history of determinism, predeterminism and other related philosophies, and how they affect a young couple from Gateshead’s decision to engage in a bit of bum play.

Channel 5 [Tenuous segues throughout]

16:00 Friday – Joseph Gerbils

New animated kids show from the makers of Wombat 18. Join the fun as the loveable furry Reich Minister of Propaganda enforces Nazi Party ideology with hilarious results.

CBeebies [possible adult themes]

20:00 Saturday – Film Choice: Zombie Sheep Bummers

Horror shocker based on Lucio Fulci’s 1979 horror classic Zombie Flesh Eaters, but instead of eating flesh the zombies bum sheep.

Sky Movies 3 [No animals hurt during filming]

20:00 Wednesday – Ray Mears’ Narnian Survival

Survival expert Ray Mears travels to Narnia to investigate the reality of surviving in it’s wintry terrain. There are tense scenes as Mears has to fend off attacks from Lions and face up to killing and eating his native Beaver guide.

Bravo [Not that sort of beaver eating]

19:30 Tuesday – Don’t Trust Anyone!

Consumer advice show that uncovers how absolutely everyone on the planet will stop at nothing to get their hands on your money.

This week Gloria Hunniford uncovers how companies use some of the money from products paid for by you to pay their staff wages. Angela Rippon reveals how life assurance policies only pay out if you actually die, and Jenny Bond looks at the widespread practice of companies charging more money for superior products.

BBC 1 [Angry women throughout]

20:00 Thursday – FEATURED CHANNEL: Fascist Chat TV

Single? Female? Looking for a guy who shares your authoritarian nationalist ideology? If the answer is yes then this new channel could be just what you’re looking for.

The channel puts you in touch with fascist fellas and could lead to a lifetime of happiness and/or hate. This weeks featured fellas are prime BNP beefcake Naughty Nick G, who promises to get your pulse racing, although this might be as result of one of his henchman chasing you with a baseball bat, and Klu Klux Hunk Bubba T who says he’ll set your heart on fire, and if you’re black probably your house aswell.

Fascist TV [Premium rate numbers used]

18:00 Saturday – Dr Me

The self obsessed time traveller travels through time and has sex with himself while he watches, before telling himself how good he was.

BBC One [unconvincing special effects]

21:00 Wednesday – Bodyshock Special: The Man With a Toilet Seat for a Head

Extraordinary story of 28 year old Mark Maclaughlin who was born with a toilet seat for a head. “I’m a normal human being just like anyone else, albeit one with a toilet seat instead of a head”

Channel 4 [disturbing bathroom scenes]

21:00 Sunday – Kerry Katona: Gone Back to Iceland

Former face of Iceland supermarkets Kerry Katona returns to her ex-employers looking for work, this time as a checkout girl. It’s a real test of endurance for customers as they are forced to listen to her tale of how it’s everyone else’s fault that she shoved enough cocaine up her nose to fund a successful record label.

Channel 4 [Northern accent throughout]