by British Gas have announced that the ongoing exploitation of elderly people who are forced to stay home during cold weather was 24% more profitable than last year.
The company claims that the rise in profits to £724m is due to them signing up a further 270,000 ‘organic fuel consumption units’, and a 7% rise in domestic energy prices – which it explained by using a straight arm and finger to point at the Middle East.
A spokesperson for British Gas said, “It’s all thanks to an extra-cold winter. When you sell something that stops people dying from the cold, snow is a good thing, clearly.”
“Oh how we laughed when we saw George Osborne going on about the weather causing poor economic performance. We spent that afternoon shopping for new cars.”
“And as increased reliance on fossil fuels is contributing to further climate change, I think you can see why we’re so delighted. The more you use, the more you’re going to need to use.”
“Scientist might not have invented the perpetual motion device, but it seems we’ve stumbled onto the perpetual profit mechanism. Lucky us.”
British Gas profits up 24%
The company have hit back at reports that their pricing strategy threatens the lives of pensioners forced to stay home during cold weather.
The spokesperson continued, “Dead people don’t pay their bills, so to insist we’re killing them off is preposterous. Where is the profit in that?”
“No, we work long and hard ensuring that our pricing structure allows us to extract every last morsel of revenue from our 16 million organic consumption units without them actually dying. And we became 24% better at that last year.”
“If that’s not deserving of a bonus, I don’t know what is.”
