We take a look at the week ahead on a television screen near you and pick out those shows that we feel it would be borderline criminal for you to miss.
Below is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to this week’s best television shows.
21:00 Tuesday – When We Were Kids
Nostalgia show in which participants do things that they haven’t done since they were children. In this episode 47 year-old accountant Nigel Pixton takes a bath with his sister.
“It was a lot more uncomfortable than I remember,” revealed a disppointed Nigel. “Long silences and hardly any splashing. Maybe it’s true when they say you should never go back.”
Channel 4 [graphic scenes of middle-age]
21:00 Wednesday – Abortion, Abortion, Abortion
Having made one of the most difficult decisions anyone could ever make, this reality show follows three couples searching to find the perfect clinic with the help of Kirsty Allsop and Phil Spencer.
Despite its sensationalist title the programme-makers have insisted that they will treat the subject matter with intelligence and great sensitivity. Narrated by 13 times PDC World Darts Champion Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor.
Channel 5 [contains on-camera condescension]
20:00 Friday – FILM CHOICE: Alien Vs Trevor Francis
The Alien franchise rolls on with this the 38th installment. It’s 1981 and Nottingham Forest Striker Trevor Francis has been cloned by Brian Clough and sold to Man City. Clough cryogenically freezes the cloned England international and locks him in a vault beneath the City Ground.
It’s 2031 and Francis is discovered by the military and awakened from his sleep to find Nottingham overrun with acid-bleeding aliens. Armed with nothing but a tight tracksuit and a 1 in 3 goal-scoring record, can he use the skills that made him England’s first £1m footballer to defeat the ultimate killing machines?
Sky Movies 3 [nasal sounds throughout]
17:30 Saturday – Jedward Investigates
Does David Bowie lead a secret life as Jareth The Goblin King? Did he really steal a baby? Will anyone tell the twins that Labyrinth is just a film?
ITV 3 [Jedward, seriously]
21:00 Sunday – CSI:Rochdale
The global franchise reaches Greater Manchester and this week the team investigate escalating gang tension which sees scores of Oldham youths leaving mildly amusing graffiti on the side of the town’s bus stops.
Channel 5 [subtitles recommended]
19:30 Wednesday – Juntamouse
Charming animation from the makers of Jehovah’s Walrus. Join the fun and games as the loveable leader of the military Junta that has ruled Cheeseland for the last 42 years reacts to a rodent revolution with extreme violence. Narrated by Danny Dyer
ITV 1 [contains Danny Dyer]
20:00 Thursday – The Price is Human Rights
Joe Pasquale Returns with the popular game show that sees contestants enduring physical and mental torture, such as Waterboarding, for an array of prizes. Can Brenda Hyde from Carlisle hold her nerve during repeated beatings to secure a one week break for two in Fuengirola?
Sky One [No Pasquales were injured in making this programme]
18:00 Friday – Art Disease
Neil Buchanan presents the show in which he shows the terminally ill how to build models of inspirational figures from the things that are killing them. In this episode Neil makes a fully moveable model of Princess Diana out of empty cigarette cartons.
BBC One [sickly people]
16:00 Friday – Mr Tickle and the Appropriate Workplace Behaviour Seminar
Children’s TV show Mr Men is brought up to date with this engaging tale of Mr Tickle and the dawning realisation that touching women whenever you feel like it is considered deeply inapprorpriate in polite society.
Also, Little Miss Tidy learns all about her OCD diagnosis.
Cbeebies [100% politically correct]