We take a look at the week ahead on a television screen near you and pick out those shows that we feel it would be borderline criminal for you to miss.
Below is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to this week’s best television shows.
21:00 Monday – Jamie’s Death Row Dinners
Cookery show that sees Jamie cooking the last meal of convicts awaiting execution. The show has not been without controversy, but as Jamie put it, “Dib dab dob, the fact that some of these boys have never tasted roasted concertina squid with grilled leeks and a warm chorizo dressing is the real crime here. Bish bash bosh, wallop!”
Tonight’s lucky maniac is 35 year old Frank Priestman, who butchered 26 women in a 3 year reign of terror. “I’m really looking forward to seeing what Chef Oliver conjures up” he enthused through a specially made mask that he wears to stop him biting people.
Channel 4 [subtitles recommended]
20:00 Sunday – Loose Canon
New show from the makers of popular crime-fighting nuns drama Hard Habits. Canon Gregory Thompsett attempts to uncover crimes against God using nothing but his own interpretation of The Bible. In the first of many, many episodes, Thompsett tries to expose a gang of unrepentant homosexuals hellbent on living their lives.
ITV 2 [contains light preaching]
20:00 Friday – FILM CHOICE: Anal Destination
A group of teenage students dodge death after one of them has a premonition that the Aeroplane that they are due to fly in will crash. To celebrate this extraordinarily lucky escape they indulge in an evening of labelling everything in their communal fridge.
Sky Movies 1 [contains zero sex]
20:30 Tuesday – Wheelchair of Fortune
Phil Tufnell hosts the game show that he describes as ‘Robot Wars meets The Paralympics meets Gladiators‘. The able-bodied battle disabled contestants for cash prizes and our amusement.
You’ll never look at bare-knuckle boxing in quite the same way ever again.
Dave [flashing lights]
20:30 Thursday – Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s Zombie Apocalypse
The celebrity chef, famous for treating animals with respect before brutally murdering and eating them, offers a survival guide in the event of the undead rising from the grave and feasting on the living.
Tonight’s episode sees Hugh knocking up a tasty alternative to Coq au Vin using newspapers, Domestos and a pair of shoes.
Sky Food [light poncing]
19:30 Tuesday – You’ve been Maimed!
Light-hearted look at camcorder footage of accidents involving loss of limbs and facial disfigurements. Narrated by Brian Dowling
ITV 1 [contains canned horror]
21:00 Wednesday – Fash In The Attic
Psychological reality show. Former Wimbledon Footballer John Fashanu breaks into the homes of unsuspecting members of the public. He hides out in the attic, only venturing down when they are out to make adjustments to the house. In the first episode 54 year old church organist Brenda Frampton, who lives alone, is driven to the edge of insanity when she walks into her bathroom to find the word ‘Whore’ written in lipstick on the bathroom mirror.
“I had a brilliant time making the show” revealed the former Gladiators host. “The look on their faces is priceless!”
Sky One [contains occasional Awoogas]
22:00 Wednesday – Sex & Violence
Massively contrived yet thoroughly entertaining American cop show. Detectives Charlotte Sex and Mike Violence persuade Chief Sweary to give them 24 hours to expose a porn gang. Sex goes undercover, while the wisecracking Violence sets about blowing up the operation with some awesome explosions. “Now that’s what I call a gang bang!”
If only Rosemary & Thyme had been this good.
Sky Atlantic [contains Americans]
20:00 Saturday – Britain’s Got Rabies
Talent show that will see hopefuls attempt to perform after being bitten by a rabid bat. Amongst tonight’s act is an acrobat who will attempt death-defying stunts on a trapeze as the disease takes an increasing hold of his central nervous system.
ITV 3 [graphic use of Simon Cowell]
20:15 Saturday – National Lottery: Retribution!
It’s the ultimate mob justice giveaway!
It’s not so much radical, but bogus for the 49 numbered Muslim clerics who face being beheaded live on TV for the entertainment of a blood-thirsty nation. Will the random decapitator pick your numbers? Time to get those big money heads rolling! Special guest this week is James Blunt who will sing his new single entitled Generic Love Song for Valentines Day Compilations That You Buy in Asda For the Very Specific Price of £8.57.
BBC One [warning: contains strong scenes of James Blunt]