Slightly higher winds set to annoy people with expensive haircuts, warns Met Office

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The Met Office has warned that expected high winds could cause that spooky whistling sound which might cause people living alone to keep the lights on at night.

Winds strong enough to blow over empty bins and make saplings lean over a bit are predicted to hit most parts of the country, with Lincolnshire police warning people with expensive haircuts to remain indoors.

Slightly higher than normal winds have caused problems across England for several days, and are expected to peak at ‘a bit blowy’ later this evening.

On Saturday, a healthy breeze caused Ted Frampton to abandon his newspaper and throw it in the bin near a bus stop in frustration.

“It was impossible!” he explained, “every time I tried to open it up it blew inside out. I tried to straighten it up, but I was fighting a losing battle.”

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“This global warming stuff is a real nightmare.”

Met Office wind warning

The Met Office has urged people to take necessary precautions to ensure the safety not only of themselves, but also their garden furniture.

“Any kind of weather that is deviates even slightly from the norm is cause for extreme panic,” said a spokesperson

“We’ve already had reports of a fence going down on a street in Cirencester.”

“The fence crushed an ornament of a little man that would chop wood at a speed determined by the strength of the wind.”

“If you can’t see the tragedy of an ornament being crushed by something that should have given it life, well, you must have a cold black heart.”