The agent of Premier League footballer Andy Carroll is in hospital after slipping into coma as a result of excessive masturbation following Carroll’s £35m transfer to Liverpool.
A hospital spokesperson confirmed that a man was admitted late last night and is currently in a serious but stable condition.
His doctor told us, “We can confirm that we are currently treating a man who is in a coma brought about by ferocious masturbation.”
“There’s also very little we can do about the fixed grin, and despite being heavily sedated he has been mumbling ‘ten percent, ten percent’ over and over again since his arrival.”
“Surgeons have successfully removed his hand from his penis, but we are preparing his wife for the possibility that the erection will be permanent.”
Andy Carroll’s agent quite happy
The hospitalisation is a swift turnaround for the agent, who just six months ago believed his job for the next few years would mainly entail sneaking copies of Shoot! magazine into the local prison.
The agent’s PA told reporters that the warning signs started to manifest as soon as word of the initial bid reached the agent’s office.
She said, “He started to get an erection as soon as the £30m bid came in, and there was no danger of that subsiding despite Newcastle rejecting it. He was pinned to the desk all morning.”
“When the £35m bid came in his hands were straight down his trousers, and when the deal was completed, well, he was pretty much a blur from that point on.”