The government has announced that the scrapped Nimrod spy plane fleet will be replaced by Ian Edmondson, ensuring security services will still have access to secret messages from across the world.
Despite facing criticism of the decision to scrap the £4bn program, officials insist Edmondson is not only quite a bit cheaper, but also has a demonstrable track record in accessing the most highly protected secret messages.
Leading military officials told us, “It’s perverse, one man can not effectively replace a multi-billion pound aircraft fleet, no matter how efficient he is.”
However, a Whitehall spokesperson said, “We knew they were going to say that. Mr Edmondson is very good you know.”
“We must recognise that in these times of austerity, the government cannot waste billions when the same results can be achieved using a fleet street reporter and a few of his specialist colleagues?”
“What we have here is a highly-skilled individual who, for one reason or another, needs a job, and we need someone to tell us what everyone is saying private. It’s the very definition of win-win.”
Edmondson said he was excited by the prospect of putting his unique talents to work for something other than gossip hungry morons.
He told reporters, “Yes, I’m very excited, yes, and I’m confident my special abilities will prove useful to the nation’s security services, at least that’s what they’ve been telling each other.”
“I”ve received dozens of messages of support. Well, I say ‘received’, I mean ‘heard’. And when I say support, I mean pleasure that I’m no longer working for a tabloid – but that’s obviously what they meant.”